Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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