I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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