If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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