Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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