Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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