my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
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I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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