I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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