Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
