I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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