so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
smell my finger.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
