Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
