apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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