I faked an abortion last night.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
