I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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