i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
