You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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