She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
