HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
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I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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