Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
