Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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