The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
