Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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