i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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