tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
soo... how was my night?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
