So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
