How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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