She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
