It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
