Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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