You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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