whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
