Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
