i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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