He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
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Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
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When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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