just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
