yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
