I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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