I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
