I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
