I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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