I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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