i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
