my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
