I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
