yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
