Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
