a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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