Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
