I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
