It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you have to choose: penises or morals?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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