I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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