I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
