It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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