If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
