Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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