last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
