Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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