Screwed.edu
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
